I usually don’t pity banks, but I hate to see anyone waste money on ads that don’t deliver. Check out this ad from a major business pub. (I’m quoting everything but the headline and fine print, and replacing company and product names with ****.)
“When long-term client **** **** wanted to build their hospital of the future, they looked for us for innovative solutions for funding and streamlining operations. The dedicated ***** **** Healthcare Banking team came through with customized healthcare-specific financial solutions. ***** *****, one of our proprietary healthcare banking solutions, connects patients payments with the back end of the revenue cycle process. With automated revenue cycle solutions in place to help increase efficiencies and optimize capital, **** ***** could focus on providing top-flight healthcare. Let us put your future on automatic.”
Get to the Point — Clearly
First sin: Four uses of the vague word “solutions” instead of describing it once, on first use, as an “application” (which I assume it is).
They could also lose the redundant “The dedicated **** **** Healthcare Banking team came through with customized healthcare-specific financial solutions.” Isn’t this what they’re paid to do?
The phrase “…one of our proprietary healthcare banking solutions…” is also a waste. The reader already gets that you develop banking software for the healthcare industry.
Now, what does the software do?
We’re Not All CFOs
This is where the copy fails to clearly explain the problem it solves. It says their software “…connects patient payments with the back end of the revenue cycle process” providing an “automated revenue cycle (solution)…to help increase efficiencies and optimize capital.”
Those readers who don’t live and breath hospital finance might wonder:
- What is the “revenue cycle?”
- What is the “back end of the revenue cycle process”?
- Why aren’t patient payments already connected with the “back end of the revenue cycle process?”
- Why is this lack of connection bad for the business?
- How does an automated revenue cycle solution “increase efficiencies and optimize capital”?
- And what the heck does “optimize” capital mean? Increase capital? Decrease capital? Make the best use of capital?
Try This On
After doing some research, here’s my suggested rewrite designed to get to the point more quickly, and explaining it more clearly:
“When **** **** built their “hospital of the future,” they asked us to automate their inefficient paper-based billing and payment tracking. We developed an application that speeds payments, makes it easier to track disputed claims from insurers and give patients more ways to pay. The resulting faster cash flow and reduced paperwork means more money and more time for patient care.
Now, how can we help you?”
- Don’t repeat the obvious.
- Replace jargon with everyday terms.
- Explain how you reduce costs or increase profits.
- Cut every unnecessary word.
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